Freedom is defined as many things: the ability to speak against the government without repercussions, exemption from responsibilities, liberation from power, etc. I live in America so I could talk about how we have freedom to speak against injustices, but we still have to live within the constraints of lower class. While on paper we have rights, those rights only extend to those who can afford them. However, freedom means a lot to me, and I do finally feel freer than I had growing up.
When I was in school, I often felt the pressure and constraints to perform a specific way. In the 5th grade, I started struggling with history, getting C’s instead of A’s. Math and science was fine for me. Math was like a number puzzle and science had a lot of math elements in that I just had to fit the numbers into the formula. History, however, was all about listening to lectures, reading the text, and memorizing a boring topic. Yes, some of history is fascinating! It’s more fascinating to learn from tumblr making jokes about history than it is to learn from a textbook or a long lecture. My only saving grace was geography because, again, it was like a puzzle. I struggled the most in 11th grade, when my teacher assigned us dense textbooks and gave us questions that were basically just copying down the textbook. I was so sleep deprived I honestly hardly remember anything from that class!
My parents were very frustrated with me during high school. I have autism and I was definitely one of the “gifted kids” in elementary school because everything clicked immediately. So when I got to middle and high school, I didn’t know how to learn something I didn’t immediately get. However, my parents didn’t know I was autistic. All they knew and saw was that my grades were slipping. I was starting to fall behind and I was getting C’s or sometimes even D’s instead of just A’s and B’s. As I struggled with the homework, I started procrastinating and pushing it off. I felt so pressured to be perfect and do it right, that it became a mental hurdle to even try.
I still managed to crawl my way through high school and graduate with a 3.9 out of 4.0 GPA. Unfortunately, I did not do well in college. The pressure to succeed swelled and it took its toll on my mental health. I gave up on trying and flunked out. After that I just felt stuck for a year. The entire time, all I wanted was the freedom to make my own mistakes and deal with the consequences myself. If I was allowed to feel the weight of my own mistakes, then maybe I would have done things differently. But every mistake I made wasn’t about me anymore, it was about what my parents would think of me. Every choice I made, every assignment I missed, every single thing I did was scrutinized with angry eyes.
It took a while after moving out before I finally felt free. I am now free to make my own choices in life. I can hold a job and work on my art or writing without worrying about being judged. If I want to take some time to just relax, I can do so guilt-free! I’m allowed to watch shows and eat what I want and just be myself! I have the freedom to express myself and do what I want. Yes, I still have to be responsible, but that means I can load the dishwasher however I want and clean the way I want. I can pick and choose when and how I clean the house. I can choose what I do for work! I could take a shower at midnight without bothering anyone! I am becoming the person I want and need to be. I still have a lot I need to do to be healthy, but I’m allowed to be not okay and work from there. I don’t have to pretend to be anything I’m not. I can stay in my room without feeling guilty for needing time to myself!
As a kid, I always felt the need to fly and be free. I still have a lot I need to learn about the world, but I have the freedom to be myself and make my life what I want it to be! I finally feel as if my choices are mine and I have a chance to choose my own path. Freedom to me means having that chance to be myself. Because I do deserve a chance.
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