Stories Plus

For many years, I struggled with depression. I hated myself and felt so alone. Back then, death felt like an old friend. I couldn’t wait for it to take me into its embrace and leave my old life behind. It felt as if I was already halfway there. I became numb and desensitized to pain. Hearing about death or loss, mostly watching someone die on a TV show, I felt a little sad, but it didn’t really hit me until I found the will to live.

After I moved out, I worked on myself and got a lot better. Now depression is more of a wave that comes crashing in from time to time, but instead of letting it pull me away into the depths, I’ve learned to let it wash over me until it’s over. I can swim on my own now. I can feel. Happiness, love, and sadness. Sadness isn’t the same as depression. Depression drowns sadness away leaving nothing but emptiness. Being able to feel the sadness of a loss may hurt but it’s so much better than feeling the numbing void of disinterest. Losing someone and only thinking “I wish it were me.”

Even feeling pain from loss, I don’t fear death. It’s inevitable, and I know it will come for me when the time is right. I have stopped searching for it and inviting it to me. I can’t say I’ve exactly found peace. I’m still a very anxious person. I don’t fear death so much as I fear not taking control of my life and doing something before the clock runs out. I’ve started working to make my dreams come true and make myself happy.